Two days ago, I awoke with a pain in the ass. Literally a pain in the ass. It was right around the coccyx (tailbone) area. Having had sore backs a few times in the past, I figured this was more of the same, just lower than usual. It was a dull pain which flared up a bit after I sat down and after I stood up. Also, it hurt like hell when I needed to take a dump - it seemed like the muscles used to hold back the poop while you make your way to the toilet were inflamed. Those muscles are attached to the tailbone. No big deal, I went to work, everything pretty much normal. I just moved around a little slower than usual and grunted a bit when I stood or sat.
Then came night time.
I awoke at around midnight. Those poop-holder muscles were spasming. Each time they contracted it felt like someone was ramming a 2X4 into the base of my spine. Any movement I made seemed to begin another round of excruciating spasms. After much groaning and shouting I managed to extricate myself from my prone position on the bed, only to find that standing up caused a sensation not unlike being punched in the ass by Bruce Lee. I had to concentrate on constantly relaxing those ass-muscles to prevent clenching, but it frequently just involuntarily spasmed. I spent the rest of the night surfing the web researching coccyx / tailbone injuries.
Stupidly, I decided to go to work the next morning. Thankfully, I hadn’t needed to take a dump that morning. In fact I was feeling a bit constipated, but that suited me fine since the prospect of holding back on the way to the crapper was frankly terrifying. I was doing all right up until about 10:30, when I started getting spasms again. Screw that. I left work and went to the clinic. I stood there in the waiting room, not sitting down, with everyone staring at me wondering why I was standing for an hour. Finally it was my turn to see the doctor. I told her my tailbone was sore. She prodded it, making me shout in pain, and said “What you’ve got is an abscess. A Pilonidal abscess. Take some antibiotics and take some sitz baths. If it’s worse after 2 days, go to the hospital, because you’ll need surgery.”
I went to my parents’ apartment. I had to borrow 2 canes so I could walk while concentrating on relaxing my ass. I researched these abscesses, and based on my symptoms I’m pretty sure it was actually a perianal abscess, not a pilonidal abscess. Whatever. It sucked. I had another shit night, waking up at 1 am with another bout of uncontrollable spasms. I resolved to screw the 2 day waiting period, I was going to the hospital the next day to get the fucking thing cut out.
The rest of the night I spent on the can, trying to poop. I was badly constipated, and I was afraid of the pain that would occur if I waited until I had the urge to go. I wanted to preempt it, basically. Finally, at around 7 AM, I managed to force one out. 10 minutes later, the accumulated backlog of two shitless days came pouring out. It was magical. Not only was my constipation uncorked, but the spasms immediately began to decrease in frequency and intensity. That was this morning, and now, at 8PM, I’m practically back to normal. There’s just a dull ache around my tailbone if I sit directly on it.
My theory is that I’ve actually had this abscess for a long time. It’s just that until a few days ago it was able to drain itself into my bowel. When I got constipated, the abscess could no longer drain, and so it got infected and inflamed. Once the blockage was removed, it was able to drain again and the pain stopped.
Now I just have to make an appointment with a colorectal surgeon to see about getting this damn abscess removed so this never happens again. It was pure hell. I hope Hitler had lots of these. And maybe Justin Bieber too.